En tidlig morgen like etter morgenbønnen kom abbeden i et irsk kloster skridende inn i salen hvor munkene satt og arbeidet. Han tok turen rundt il hver og en betraktet arbeidet deres. De satt med fjærpenner og kopierte eldgamle dokumenter.

En av munkene var litt urolig, som om han lurte på noe. Abbeden spurte derfor munken hva det var som uroet ham, og fikk til svar at jo, han hadde begynt å tenke på det, at tenk om det i de dokumenter de satt og kopierte forekom en feil, så ville denne feilen også bare bli kopiert og ført videre?

Abbeden beroliget munken, og sa at slikt ikke forekom. Men for sikkerhets skyld, så skulle han selv gå ned i hvelvet hvor de gamle originalmanuskripter lå, og se på dem. Det skulle være fort gjort, mente han. Deretter gikk han ned trappen til kjelleren.

Det varte og det rakk, og abbeden kom ikke opp igjen. Munken fikk etter en lang stund med seg en til for å gå og se om det hadde skjedd noe galt.

Da de kom ned i det gamle hvelvet, fant de abbeden. Han gråt og dunket hodet i murveggen. Munkene lurte på hva som sto på, hva hadde skjedd? Jo, munken hadde nok hatt rett i sine bange anelser. Det stod faktisk «celebrate», ikke «celibate»!

Four Irish Catholic ladies were having coffee and playing bridge.

The first woman tells her friends «My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father.'»

The second woman chirps, «My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him ‘Your Grace’.»

The third crone said «My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say ‘Your Eminence’.»

The fourth woman sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women give her a subtle «Well…?» She replied, «My son is a handsome, 18 year old, 6′ 2,» body builder, athlete, intellectual, entertainer, college junior and when he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh, my God…’.»

A man is playing golf in Ireland. «Whack», the ball slices off the green, and into the bushes. He goes looking into the bushes, and finds a little feller all dressed in green, big buckle shoes, lying unconscious with a big knot on his forehead.

 

«Sweet Jesus, I’ve hit a leprechaun!» says the man. He gets a cold rag, props the little fella up. The leprechauns comes out of it, sees he’s being held by a mortal. «Ach, I’m all right, I’m foin, Right as rain, thank ye, I’ll be going now». The golfer says «Terribly sorry. Are you all right, do you need a doctor now, is there anything I can do?» «No don’t worry yourself, I’m foin, have a nice day.»

 

Quick as a flash, the leprechaun scoots into the hedges, and is gone. The golfer, feeling bad for the fellow, waits a bit, and then continues with his game.

 

As he’s leaving the Leprechaun thinks to himself-

«Now that was a daecent sort of fella, none of your «show-me-your-pot-o-gold, give-me-three-wishes» stuff here, just honestly consarned. Now, he deserves 3 wishes!» The leprechaun points at the Golfer- «May ye never need for Money, May ye have a great golf game, and may ye have a fantastic sex life!»

 

A year and a day goes by, and the golfer is back out on the field, knocking the hell out of the ball. The Leprechaun shows up, the Golfer says «ach, I’m so sorry about the whack on the noggin, are ye all right?» «I’m grand, don’t worry….how about yourself, are you doing all right?» The golfer smiles «aye, it’s the most amazing thing, since last year I’m golfing like a pro, 9 under par!» «And how are you for money, smiled the Leprechaun?» «Terrific, every time I put my hand into my pants, I find the money for anything I need!». The leprechaun winked, «And speaking of pant’s, how’s your sex life?» The golfer blushes, looks around to see if anyone’s listening, «Not bad, 2 or 3 times a week!» The Leprechaun sputters- «Only two or 3 times a week?» The golfer looks down wryly- «well, that’s not bad for a Catholic priest from a small parish!»

 

 

 

A young Lutheran Minister found himself in a automobile collision, but confident in his faith, he was ready to see the pearly gates. But found himself in front of the Gates of Hell.

Old Scratch was there to greet him.

- I, I, I don’t understand, Why am I here? There’s been a mistake!
– Tut, tut, lad, that’s why I’m here to greet you. Come let’s take a little walk.

Old Scratch led the Lutheran minister to a room and opened a door and sitting there in the only chair…

- Good heavens you are Martin Luther! What are you doing here in Hell?

Martin looked at Old Scratch.

- Yes go ahead Martin take him around for me.

 Martin Luther led the young minister to another small room and opened the door and there at…

- Good heavens, Reverend Luther that’s the Apostle Paul sitting there, I don’t understand?

The Apostle Paul looked up.

- Another one Martin?
– Afraid so Paul, will you tell him?
– Ok, well young fellow, you can only enter the kingdom of heaven through works, I was wrong teaching ‘Faith not Works’. Sorry about that.

Ukas vits: Svømmebassenget

oktober 19, 2006

…RING))))….RING))))….RING))))…

**Pick Up** «Hello?

«Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?»
«No Daddy, She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.
After a brief pause, Daddy says, «But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Frank»

«Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now»

Brief Pause

«Uh, okay then, .this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway»

«Okay Daddy, just a minute»

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

«I did it Daddy»

«And what happened honey?» he asked

«Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!»

«Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?»

«He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead»

***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,
«Swimming pool??…Is this 555-7039??

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it’s «lightbulb» or «light bulb» …

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is «lamp»

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that «light bulb» is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant’s ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their «acceptable use policy»

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s

3 to post about links they found from the URL’s that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add «Me too»

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the «Me too’s» to say «Me three»

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a «FAQ»

4 to say «didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?»

143 to say «do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs»

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again….

Ukas vits:

oktober 9, 2006

Har du hørt om sauen som falt utfor et stup?
Den ble lam.

A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

«I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?»

«Funny you should come to me,» said the Rabbi. «Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian.»

«What did you do?» asked the father. «I turned to God for the answer» replied the Rabbi. «And what did he say?» pressed the father. «God said, ‘Funny you should come to me…’ «

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew.

The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated. «What are the guys in the big suits doing?» A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon. Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said,

«Watch out for these guys; they’ve come to steal your land.»

Ukas vits: Elgmøkk

september 20, 2006

«I’ve held a lot of jobs in my life, but my favorite was as a lumberjack. Yes a lumberjack, striding through the northwoodsout in the fresh airchopping down trees and yelling timber. Spitting and drinking beer on the weekends. I loved it, the only problem was that the company we worked for was too cheap to hire a cook. So, someone had to be a cook until someone else complained, then the complainer had to be cook till someone else complained, and on and on. So there was no incentive to be a good cook, and it was always bad.

Well, I’m a pretty good cook, and finally I just had to complain. So, of course, I had to be the cook. Well about two weeks later, I was getting really sick of cooking and cooking worse and worse, hoping someone would complain, so they would have to take over.

Finally, one day I was out in the meadow picking berries for a pie when I came across a bighotfresh steaming pile of MOOSE TURD! I smiled This’ll do it. So I scooped up that meadow muffin and carried it back to the kitchen, chortling all the way. I rolled out a big pie crust, flopped that stuff in there and put on a top crust. Carved a fancy design in the top, and baked it up. Beautiful, golden brown, with the brown bubbling through all the cuts on top. Set it on the windowsill to cool.

Well, I served up a dinner that couldn’t be beat. Figured if it was my last one to cook, it might as well be a good one right up to the moose turd pie. SOMEONE WOULD JUST HAVE TO COMPLAIN! So I had a great beef stew, biscuits and fresh veggies. Everyone was happy, and I just smiled.

Then I brought it out. Set it down in front of the biggest, nastiest, ugliest lumberjack of them all. ‘Carved him out a big hunk and set it down in front of him and stood back to watch the complaints fly. My cooking days were over.

The big guy took a big bite, chewed it up, eyes bugged out, and he said
YAAACK!
SPIT SPIT SPIT! THAT’S MOOSE TURD PIE!
(Pause, sly grin, finger in the air) IT’S GOOD THOUGH!»

Ukas vits: Fiskekroken

september 13, 2006

nullA keen country lad applied for a salesman’s job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world – you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, «Have you ever been a salesman before?» «Yes, I was a salesman in the country» said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, «You can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see you when we close up.

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o’clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, «How many sales did you make today?»

«One» said the young salesman.

«Only one» blurted the boss, «Most of my staff makes 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?»

«Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars» said the young man.

«How did you manage that?» asked the flabbergasted boss.

«Well» said the salesman «this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.»

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment «You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook.

«No» answered the salesman «He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, «You’re weekend is fucked, you may as well go fishing.»

Ukas vits: Hamsteren

august 30, 2006

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, «No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.» The guy says, «You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?» The bartender says, «Only if what you show me ain’t risqué.» «Deal!» says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.

He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, «You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.» The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

«Money or another miracle else no drink», says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says «It’s a deal.» He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.


The bartender says to the guy «Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.» «Not so,» says the guy. «The hamster is also a ventriloquist.»

(Ventriloquist = buktaler)

I anledning skolestart er det viktig å vite hva som er viktig her i livet:

En mor kommer inn på sin datters soverom og finner et brev på hodeputen hennes. Med bange anelser og skjelvende hender åpner hun og leser det:

Kjære mamma.

Du må ikke bli lei deg for dette brevet. Jeg har reist ut i verden med min nye kjæreste. Han er ordentlig kjekk med alle piercingene og tatoveringene sine.

Men jeg har flere gode nyheter..!
Jeg er gravid, og jeg er sikker på at vi kommer til å bli lykkelige i den store campingvogna Kent Ståle har på MC-klubben i de svenske skogene. Han vil ha mange flere barn med meg, og det er jo min drøm også!

Jeg har lært at hasj ikke er farlig, og vi skal dyrke det til oss selv og vennene våre, som gir oss all kokainen og ecstacyen vi måtte ønske oss. I mellomtiden ber vi for at de finner en kur for AIDS slik at Kent Ståle kan bli bedre, han fortjener det.

Ikke vær redd for meg, jeg er femten nå og stor jente. Jeg skal nok komme på besøk en dag og vise deg barnebarna dine!

Din hengivne datter,
Anita

PS: Mamma, det er ikke sant. Jeg er hos naboen. Jeg ville bare vise deg at det finnes verre ting her i livet enn karakterboka mi, som ligger i skrivebordsskuffen min.

Klem!

Av og til ramler det inn virkelig gode vitser på vandring i internett. Som denne:

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can’t believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: «Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping–Love you!»

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, «Son…what happened last night?»

«Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.»

“So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?»

His son replies, «Oh THAT!… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, «Leave me alone, lady, I’m married!»

The pictures are taken by yoshiko314

 

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