Beates rasteplass

‘Den, der arbejder, laver fejl.
Den, der arbejder meget, laver mange fejl.
Den, der aldrig laver fejl, bliver forfremmet.’

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read … “and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?”

The teacher paused then asked the class: “And what do you think the man said?”

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly “I think the man would have said - “Well, fuck me!! A talking pig!”

Etter å ha lest følgende post inne hos Ex-Sex-Redaktøren fant jeg ut at tiden måtte være inne for denne:

En kvinne skulle til en ny gynekolog for GU. Han var ung og kjekk, og hun ville jo ikke gjøre noe dårlig inntrykk, så hun tok seg god tid i dusjen først. Mens hun tørket seg etter badet kom hun til å se intimsprayen til dattera si på baderomshylla, og dusjet seg litt med denne der hvor beina møtes.

En stund senere lå hun i den sedvanlige stolen, og fikk den sedvanlige kommentaren: “Kom litt nærmere, er du snill”. Hun akte seg frem, og legen ble stille et par sekunder før han sa med et smil om munnen: “Så du har pynta deg?” Hun sa “ja”, uten å skjønne helt hva han mente. Men dusjet og stelt seg hadde hun jo.

Da kvelden kom sto hun på badet sammen med datteren og kom til å nevne at hun hadde lånt intimsprayen hennes. “Intimspray?” sa datteren, “jeg har da ingen intimspray?”. Moren tok ned sprayflaska fra hylla og leste: “glitterspray”.

___________

Om du synes det var flaut, så ta turen tilbake til ex-sex-redaktøren og les neste post.

En mann gikk inn i en papirhandel for å finne valentinsdagskort. Han fikk hjelp av innehaveren, og sammen leste de på de forskjellige kortene. Kan dette være noe, sa eieren: “Til min eneste ene fra din kjære”. “Perfekt” svarte mannen, gi meg 25 av den.

A newly appointed young clergy person was contacted by a local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery in Iowa. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left in the state.

The young preacher started early to cemetery, but soon became lost. After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was nowhere in sight and cemetery workers were relaxing under a near-by tree, eating their lunch.

The preacher went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service.

As he returned to his car, one of the workers came over to him to say, “That was a fine reading and prayer, preacher. But my buddies and I figured we’d better let you know, the fresh graves are over the next hill. What you just laid to rest there was our new septic tank.”

Gammel, men god:

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a U.S.
naval vessel and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a
collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a U.S.Navy ship. I say again divert
your course.

Canadians: No. I say again you divert your course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS,
THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

A woman is trying to board a bus, but her skirt is too tight and she can’t step up. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper a bit and tries again. Skirt’s still too tight. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper some more. She still can’t get on and lowers the zipper a third time.

Suddenly, she feels two hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto the bus. She spins around and says very indignantly, “Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to do that!!” The man responds, “Lady, I don’t know you well enough for you to unzip my fly
three times either!”

I fullt alvor har mange ytret seg om at det må jo være en selvfølge at man ikke bør gå ute alene, om man er kvinne, etter at det er mørkt.

Og dette i Norge, i januar.

Jeg synes det er helt på sin plass. Og at staten må følge det opp. Kvinner i østlandsområdet må derfor få kompensert økonomisk at de bare skal jobbe et par timer midt på dagen i de mørkeste ukene, og så kan vi legge til en timinutt her og en timinutt der ettersom sola stiger høyere på himmelen utover våren.

Lenger nord, må selvfølgelig kvinner få kunne krype under bjørnefellen en gang på høsten, og sove varmt, mykt og ikke minst trygt der til sola viser seg en gang utpå våren.

Jeg synes faktisk det høres ut som en svært behagelig ide, og sier takk til alle de som har tatt til ordet for dette i uka som gikk.

I serien historiske vitser, denne lo i alle fall jeg av på 80-tallet.

En russer har hoppet av til vesten, og blir intervjuet av en reporter i sitt nye vertsland, USA.

Reporteren: Fortell oss nå, hvordan er livet i Sovjetunionen?
Avhopperen: Kan ikke klage.
Reporteren: Men vi hører det er lange køer om man vil handle noe så enkelt som mat, stemmer ikke det?
Avhopperen: Kan ikke klage.
Reporteren: Men forfølgelse da, blir ikke folk forfulgt, fengslet og kanskje drept om de er opposisjonelle?
Avhopperen: Kan ikke klage.
En oppgitt reporter: Men hvorfor har du da flyktet hit?
En smilende avhopper: Her kan man klage!

Forrige ukes vits ble borte i en annen post, og siden den henger så nøye sammen med denne ukas vits - denne også egentlig bare en trist historie med hvor man kanskje utrykker et sånt halveis sukk, halves klukk, en slags “phu” på slutten, så kommer den på nytt.

Det er et eksempel på galgenhumor, jødisk sådan, fra tiden før og under 2. verdenskrig.

En jødisk mann går inn i på passkontoret for å skaffe seg ett visa for å forlate landet. De tyske byråkratene spør ham hvor han kan tenke seg å dra. På bordet foran han står det en globus, og han peker på USA. “Umulig” sier de, “de tar ikke imot jøder.” Han peker på England. “Beklager, de tar ikke jøder.” Han peker på Sør-Amerika. “Beklager, ingen av disse landene tar jøder.” Til slutt ser den jødiske mannen opp og sier: “Dere har ikke tilfeldigvis en annen verden?”

****

En far og hans sønn kommer til passkontoret for å skaffe seg visa for å forlate Tyskland. Sønnen spør faren før de går inn: “hvor skal vi far?” Faren svarer, “Hvor som helst, bare vi kan dra herfra.” Faren går inn på kontoret. Sønnen venter og venter. Når faren kommer ut igjen, spør sønnen: “Far, hvor skal vi dra?” Faren svarer: “Tierra del Fuego.” Tierra del fuego!” sier sønnen. “Men det er veldig, veldig langt unna.” Faren svarer: “Langt fra hvor?”

På pc-en ser jeg det er 29 desember, men hvilken ukedag er det? Det har jeg mistet oversikt over for lengst i denne romjula.

Det slår meg i alle fall at det må være tid for gåte og vits. Og ikke husker jeg helt om jeg fikk med en vits i forrige uke i det hele tatt. Enda verre er det at jeg begynner å gå meg vill i hva jeg faktisk har spurt om før og ikke. Men denne skulle være ny og julefin:

Gåte:

Hvorfor blir det ikke laget barn på julaften?

Vitsen denne uka er ikke så morsom. Den er litt sånn trist, men siden julaften er over, en engel snart kommer til Josef og ber ham dra til Egypt, Norge investerer i klasebomber, Bethlehem er blitt en festing eller fangeleir, og enkelte ting er det samme her i verden, så kommer den nå uansett:

Vits:

En jødisk mann går inn i på passkontoret for å skaffe seg et vise for å forlate landet. De tyske byråkratene spør ham hvor han kan tenke seg å dra. På bordet foran han står det en globus, og han peker på USA. “Umulig” sier de, “de tar ikke imot jøder.” Han peker på England. “Beklager, de tar ikke jøder.” Han peker på Sør-Amerika. “Beklager, ingen av disse landene tar jøder.” Til slutt ser den jødiske mannen opp og sier: “Dere har ikke tilfeldigvis en annen verden?”

Surf:

Ikke noe tungt denne gangen heller, bare sånne småkoslige ting for sånne dager hvor man ikke er sikker på om det er mandag eller fredag, og det er romjul og dette året snart tar slutt.

Papirklipp

Tove Jansson har illustrert Hobbitten

Hodja har begynt å blogge

For de som ikke har fått med seg David Bowie og Bing Crosby på mange mange år - kanskje blir noen like glade som jeg ble da de kom seilende på youtube?

Ta-ratata-tam

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the
bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, “Unlike most stage hypnotists who
invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique
watch. It’s a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
“Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch….”The crowd became
mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it
slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a
hundred pieces.

“Shit ” said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

Har du hørt om gjøkungen som falt ut av reddet og ble helt koko?

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$60,000″
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing ? The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.” The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then the man smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

(Fra barnemunn.)

To tomater gikk over en vei. Da den ene var over kom det en stor trailer. Tomat nummer to rakk så vidt å hoppe unna og opp på fortauet. Da sa den første tomaten: Din dust, nå ødela du hele vitsen.

En tidlig morgen like etter morgenbønnen kom abbeden i et irsk kloster skridende inn i salen hvor munkene satt og arbeidet. Han tok turen rundt il hver og en betraktet arbeidet deres. De satt med fjærpenner og kopierte eldgamle dokumenter.

En av munkene var litt urolig, som om han lurte på noe. Abbeden spurte derfor munken hva det var som uroet ham, og fikk til svar at jo, han hadde begynt å tenke på det, at tenk om det i de dokumenter de satt og kopierte forekom en feil, så ville denne feilen også bare bli kopiert og ført videre?

Abbeden beroliget munken, og sa at slikt ikke forekom. Men for sikkerhets skyld, så skulle han selv gå ned i hvelvet hvor de gamle originalmanuskripter lå, og se på dem. Det skulle være fort gjort, mente han. Deretter gikk han ned trappen til kjelleren.

Det varte og det rakk, og abbeden kom ikke opp igjen. Munken fikk etter en lang stund med seg en til for å gå og se om det hadde skjedd noe galt.

Da de kom ned i det gamle hvelvet, fant de abbeden. Han gråt og dunket hodet i murveggen. Munkene lurte på hva som sto på, hva hadde skjedd? Jo, munken hadde nok hatt rett i sine bange anelser. Det stod faktisk “celebrate”, ikke “celibate”!

Four Irish Catholic ladies were having coffee and playing bridge.

The first woman tells her friends “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father.’”

The second woman chirps, “My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third crone said “My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth woman sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women give her a subtle “Well…?” She replied, “My son is a handsome, 18 year old, 6′ 2,” body builder, athlete, intellectual, entertainer, college junior and when he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh, my God…’.”

A man is playing golf in Ireland. “Whack”, the ball slices off the green, and into the bushes. He goes looking into the bushes, and finds a little feller all dressed in green, big buckle shoes, lying unconscious with a big knot on his forehead.

“Sweet Jesus, I’ve hit a leprechaun!” says the man. He gets a cold rag, props the little fella up. The leprechauns comes out of it, sees he’s being held by a mortal. “Ach, I’m all right, I’m foin, Right as rain, thank ye, I’ll be going now”. The golfer says “Terribly sorry. Are you all right, do you need a doctor now, is there anything I can do?” “No don’t worry yourself, I’m foin, have a nice day.”

Quick as a flash, the leprechaun scoots into the hedges, and is gone. The golfer, feeling bad for the fellow, waits a bit, and then continues with his game.

As he’s leaving the Leprechaun thinks to himself-

“Now that was a daecent sort of fella, none of your “show-me-your-pot-o-gold, give-me-three-wishes” stuff here, just honestly consarned. Now, he deserves 3 wishes!” The leprechaun points at the Golfer- “May ye never need for Money, May ye have a great golf game, and may ye have a fantastic sex life!”

A year and a day goes by, and the golfer is back out on the field, knocking the hell out of the ball. The Leprechaun shows up, the Golfer says “ach, I’m so sorry about the whack on the noggin, are ye all right?” “I’m grand, don’t worry….how about yourself, are you doing all right?” The golfer smiles “aye, it’s the most amazing thing, since last year I’m golfing like a pro, 9 under par!” “And how are you for money, smiled the Leprechaun?” “Terrific, every time I put my hand into my pants, I find the money for anything I need!”. The leprechaun winked, “And speaking of pant’s, how’s your sex life?” The golfer blushes, looks around to see if anyone’s listening, “Not bad, 2 or 3 times a week!” The Leprechaun sputters- “Only two or 3 times a week?” The golfer looks down wryly- “well, that’s not bad for a Catholic priest from a small parish!”

A young Lutheran Minister found himself in a automobile collision, but confident in his faith, he was ready to see the pearly gates. But found himself in front of the Gates of Hell.

Old Scratch was there to greet him.

- I, I, I don’t understand, Why am I here? There’s been a mistake!
- Tut, tut, lad, that’s why I’m here to greet you. Come let’s take a little walk.

Old Scratch led the Lutheran minister to a room and opened a door and sitting there in the only chair…

- Good heavens you are Martin Luther! What are you doing here in Hell?

Martin looked at Old Scratch.

- Yes go ahead Martin take him around for me.

 Martin Luther led the young minister to another small room and opened the door and there at…

- Good heavens, Reverend Luther that’s the Apostle Paul sitting there, I don’t understand?

The Apostle Paul looked up.

- Another one Martin?
- Afraid so Paul, will you tell him?
- Ok, well young fellow, you can only enter the kingdom of heaven through works, I was wrong teaching ‘Faith not Works’. Sorry about that.

…RING))))….RING))))….RING))))…

**Pick Up** “Hello?

“Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy, She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Frank”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now”

Brief Pause

“Uh, okay then, .this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

“I did it Daddy”

“And what happened honey?” he asked

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead”

***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,
“Swimming pool??…Is this 555-7039??